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have learnt that, not only have you learnt how to die
but  you have also learnt how to live.
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APPENDIX
FACING DEATH
& taken from articles by the Hospis Malaysia
hen you have experienced& the loss of a loved
Wone it is important to:
" Understand Your Grief Process
" Be Able to Talk to Someone
" Know the Feeling of Wanting to Escape
" Focus on the Needs of Those Around You
" Begin to Live Again
When faced with the death of a loved one, you may feel
the actual loss is too difficult to bear. You may feel that
you no longer have a reason for living, that nothing in-
terests you; you may even feel that you are going mad.
Perhaps you will feel guilty for the things you did or
didn t do. Many bereaved people find themselves feel-
ing angry with God, family, friends, themselves, or
with the one who died. Feeling of anxiety, helpless-
ness, fear and tremendous loneliness are experienced
by many people during this stage. You may think that
you will never feel better again. Remember that you
need to:
1 Understand Your Grief
Grief is normal. It is important to allow yourself to
grieve, in whatever way is comfortable for you. Cry
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if you want to or shout it out.
The bottled up feelings must be allowed to
flow. It is because your whole world seems to have
fallen apart, broken into pieces. None of us can be
so brave and feel so detached when a loved one
dies.
2 Talk to Someone
Whatever your feelings, it is important to remem-
ber that it is normal and healthy to express them.
It is often helpful to talk them over with someone
who understands and who has time to listen. This
person may be a friend or relative, but many people
find it easier to express their feelings or thoughts to
someone who is not so close to them. You can call
us at Hospis Malaysia for help.
No one can completely understand what an-
other person s grief is like  but grief is an experi-
ence most of us go through at one time or another
in our lives, so there will be people who are willing
to share and understand as much as they can. Try
not to keep everything to yourself.
3 Wanting to Escape
You may feel that you could cope better if you dis-
posed of the things that are reminders of the loved
one who has died, or you may want to move house.
Bereavement is painful. But it is much better to
make important decisions, like moving house,
when you are able to think more clearly and ob-
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jectively. Try to avoid making decisions you might
regret until you feel better.
4 Focus on the Needs of Those Around You
Remember that you are not alone in your grief. You
may have children and they may be grieving too.
No child is too young to notice when an important
person in his or her life is no longer there. Children
always sense something is wrong from the behav-
iour of those caring for them and from the changes
that inevitably occur as a result of the death. Their
own little worlds are shattered and it is impera-
tive that those who are living help them to put the
pieces back together again.
Parents who lose a child will need the rest of
the family to help them pull through the period of
grieving. Brothers and sisters can prop each other
up when a parent dies. The important thing is to
focus on others who are also grieving from the
loss. It will help ease the pain because you know
you are not alone in your grief.
5 Beginning to Live Again
In time, you will become aware that you can sleep
better and eat more. You will realise that life must
go on and that there are still good days. You will
find that you can listen to that special piece of music
or remember something that you once shared with
the one who has died without feeling acute pain.
Gradually you will begin to take up new interests
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and make new friends or renew some of your old
friendships. At this time you may sometimes feel
you are being disloyal to the person who has died
but you should try to remember that, while the
past will always be with you, there is the present
and a future that you can enjoy.
f someone is terminally ill*&
I
How should I behave?
" Try not to avoid your friend. Be there  it instills
hope.
" Call and ask if it is okay to visit. Let your friend make
the decision. Now is the time when your friendship
can help keep loneliness at bay and fear at a dis-
tance.
" Respond to your friend s emotions. Laugh and cry
with him/her. Sharing these intimate experiences
enriches both of you.
" Encourage your friend to make decisions. Illness can
cause a loss of control over many aspects of life. Don t
deny your friend s right to make decisions.
" Be prepared for your friend to get angry with you for
 no obvious reason , although it feels that you ve been
there and have done everything you could.
* Terminal illness is a fatal disease with no prospect of cure and where
the advent of death seems certain.
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 Remember, anger and frustration are often taken out
on the people most loved because it s safe and will be
understood.
" A terminally ill person may experience extreme
mood swings. You have to exercise extra patience
and compassion when dealing with them. Be pre-
pared to go that extra mile.
" Don t lecture or direct your anger at your friend if
he/she seems to be handling the illness in a way that
you think is inappropriate.
" You may not understand what the feelings are and
why certain choices are made.
" Help your friend overcome any feelings of blame re-
garding the illness. Help him/her be positive about it.
" A loving family member is a source of strength and
moral support. Remember that by being a friend in
times of need you are helping to build up that moral
support which the person needs.
" Tell your friend that acceptance of the illness should
not be confused with defeat. This acceptance may
free your friend to make rational decisions about
many things that need to be done.
What can I say?
" You can ask about the illness, but be sensitive to
whether or not your friend wants to discuss it.
" Tell your friend how good he looks, but only if it is
realistic. If your friend s appearance has changed,
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don t ignore it. Be gentle, yet remember, never lie.
" Your friend may be a parent. Ask about the children.
Offer to take them out for a treat. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]